Balance

by Dr Peta Wright

I have the privilege of hearing the stories of women’s lives, struggles and wins every day. Today, on International Women’s Day I wanted to share the overwhelming themes and the stories that I hear again and again. It’s all about balance – coincidentally the theme of this year’s celebration. More accurately though it’s about the inability for many women to balance lives that are so full to bursting there is no time to just be and where the goal of ‘balance’ becomes just one more thing on the to-do list.

I see women who are struggling with intense feelings of overwhelm as they work a full time job outside the home and then come home to their other job. The one where there is no validation, and no pay check but a seemingly never ending list of lunches to make, clothes to wash, dinners to prepare, children to chauffeur to after school activities and family to care for. I see women who constantly put themselves last, if they do feature on their to-do list at all. I see women who are frazzled and stressed out and have lost their magic because there is no time to conjure it. Their relationships are strained because they have no time, no patience and no time to hold space for themselves let alone others. They are deeply disconnected to themselves and many women have hundreds of negative thoughts a day in relation to their bodies. Their health is suffering and they are seeing me for issues like PMS, trouble with adjusting to menopause, pelvic pain, hormonal imbalances, missing periods and infertility. All these conditions made worse by chronically elevated cortisol levels and improved by going back to basics and focusing on sleep, a nourishing diet, reducing stress, exercise and finding time for joy and meaning. The problem is that with high stress, sleep suffers, diet suffers, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

But we have a health system that doesn’t have time to explore the heart of these issues – it focuses on symptoms and works to quickly address ‘complaints’, not looking for the underlying causes. Too commonly I see women who have been put on the pill to ‘balance’ hormones and often an antidepressant to combat mood. While both of these treatments definitely have a place and can be a life saver to many women, it is the lack of going beneath the surface that worries me so much, as simply using a Bandaid treatment doesn’t work to address the causitive factors.

The scary thing is that this not just the picture for the women you think it is – the women in their 30s and 40s with families and jobs and responsibilities. This is the picture that I am increasingly seeing in teenagers and young women. It is unbelievably common for me to see young teenagers in my practice who are on anti-depressants, on the pill for painful periods, mood issues or acne or who are just so disconnected from their bodies that they can’t accept having a period. Too often there has been no exploration about what is contributing to their symptoms and no one has looked at changing the simple things. So that when they are pushed along a single minded medical path many women are not properly informed of how medications work, side effects, risks and what other effective treatments are out there. Often medications may cause new symptoms and the spiral of chasing our tail continues.

It worries me that if we, as grown women don’t start to create space in our lives, slow down, take the pressure off, allow time to just be, see the value in our lives regardless of what we achieve, just because we exist – we will past this on to our girls. It is already happening. It’s not another thing to beat ourselves up about though. It’s a deep societal issue. And I keep wondering as I see woman after woman, girl after girl, reach for the tissue box on my desk how many women have to break before our culture changes.

We have a lot in Australia to be grateful for as women in 2019. We have access to information, contraception, abortion and excellent maternity care. We have paid parental leave. But our society is still unequal – with women still doing much of the work at home in addition to their paid work, high costs of child care, inflexible work places and less of a focus on the role of men as care givers. I am hopeful this will change eventually. But in the mean time we have to take a stand in our own lives by prioritising our health so that we can really be the best mothers, partners, women, workers, and people we can.

BEFORE we look at medical treatments, we need to look first at getting enough sleep, eating a nourishing diet, exercising, mindfulness, getting into nature and finding room for joy. Of course there is often a need for other treatments – but looking at our lifestyle is foundational. I believe that unless we can tap back into our bodies, our stillness, connect to the natural rhythm of things at least for a short time, we will all continue to be plagued by this lack of balance. And it will show up in our bodies and our health.

I encourage all the women in my practice to take some time to focus on what matters to them and make sure they are prioritising it. It is not selfish to care for yourself. I am constantly telling women that they can not give to others if their well is dry. Only from a well that is full first, can you then fill up others.

Do I think balance is possible? Yes. But only by taking some things off the scales. And only by weighing what is really and truly important. I want women to realise the weight of other people’s and societal expectation is often too heavy a burden for us to carry. It robs us of joy and presence. It is robbing women of their health and aliveness. I see it everyday and it breaks my heart.

Kofi Anan said, “When women thrive, all of society benefits”. This is true. We are privileged beyond measure in comparison to the majority of the world’s women. Yet imagine what we could give and how much of a difference we could make to the lives of people around us if we are thriving and not merely surviving running around on empty. If we lived from a place where we have space to dream, to be inspired and to inspire, the ripple effect would be amazing. This is why self care is the least selfish thing a woman can do. In fact, it is only by being compassionate and kind to ourselves, that we will find ourselves living in a more kind and more compassionate world.

So on this International Women’s Day, consider where you can find time regularly to connect to yourself, to care for yourself and perhaps think about how we can reject this cult of busyness. The non-stop ‘more’ of modern life is too much and it’s making us sick. If we can’t do it for ourselves think about what we want for our girls. And our sons and partners for that matter. We need to be the example.